Wishlist

I have found myself wondering over the past few days about what I want from everything. Its all a little muddled, so here I am going to spill my guts and come back later, maybe after some more chinese study, to reassemble my mind.

• I want my Chinese study to come easier to me and stick.
• I want to be more motivated to do my university study.
• I want to be more motivated in general. I am so bad at these atm. Its strange, in a period of 2 weeks I have become so completely and utterly unproductive. I don't like it, not one bit.
• I want to live with my boyfriend. It feels like we have been together forever. Every chance we get to be together is thwarted, yet despite this we are determined to make it work. We love each other that much. I'm just afraid. I need to tell my Mother that I am planning on spending Christmas with him, then moving in with him.

I am so sick of the job discussion. I am not going to apply for any more Christmas casual positions. Firstly, because I'm not 16 and not what they want. Second, I will be 20 in a month exactly and this is the one chance in my life that I get to be selfish. I don't care about working over summer. These jobs will not make careers. And I ALWAYS sacrifice time with Myles for them. Not any more. I am an adult and going to make adult decisions. So in the mean time, once I get the car next week I will be saving for Summer. It is not my problem if they cannot accept my decisions and the people in my life. And I know they won't. So, people out there here's a heads up: Might need places to crash at from the end of December cause its a given my parents will be so angry that I am not willing to give up my happiness for money they will kick me out over Christmas.

• That being said, I honestly think that the only thing that can keep me happy while I'm living at home will be money. Spending it, spending time away from the house. This will affect my university study heaps, but its a very toxic environment to live in. I have hardly ever gotten a decent amount of work done here. Fuck I can't wait till Myles gets his posting.
• I want to live alone, no I want to live with Myles. I'm imagining a place that is blue and cream and white and a lovely kitchen and stairs. And a beautiful bedroom. And a coatstand as you walk though the door. I want it to smell of spring.
• I want the air to smell of honeysuckle always.

I think thats it for now. I don't know. Everything is just so over the place. Fuck I hate the work place and every single conversation associated with work. Why can everyone else be happy and do what they want, but I can never have it? Because my parents have tricked me into thinking I'm not allowed it. I cannot wait for that car.