Tales from the Crypt

Ok, I know alot of my whiny blogs are about my Mother, but until she stops treating me like a child and starts letting me do things for myself this is the way it has to be.

I remember how she boasted about me being so independant because I would catch the bus to school by myself, and organise how to get to friends houses by public transport as well. I have always wanted to break out of her shadow, so to speak. Strangely enough its been so hard over the past three years, because I have been trying to define myself as an adult and find my place in the universe, but it seems that all of a sudden she doesn't want me to do that.

I wake up every morning with job links in my inbox. I hate that so very very much. To me that screams 'you are incapable of making decisions for your career, so I'm going to make them for you'. The Job thing has changed for me. Things have been sorted out. I'm actually happy (for the first time since having a job) about where I am and who I'm working with. It is very rare that I am happy with anything. But she wants me to find more jobs. She wants me to be chained to a desk for the rest of my life. She wants me to be a receptionist, and I cannot count how many times I have told her no. I cannot do desk work, I am easily distracted. I worked one week for Centrelink and nearly lost my mind. And don't get me started on 'office politics'. Its a load of bullshit and I don't want part of it. I am 19 years old and I am happy working as a barista/waitress.

I am so sick of it. The thing is if I say anything to her, its the end of the world. Now I have a car and a group of friends she will most likely kick me out. She would call me to come back of course, after a few hours, but she would guilt me into submission. She knows how I react to guilt, and she plays it up. Actually, I wonder if she knows me at all. She has little interest in anything that I actually care about. All she ever wants to talk about is how she hates her work and how hard she has it. Its always about her. She never asks how my boyfriend is, she never asks anything about my friends. She has no interest in who I actually am. Even my Dad knows me better - he didn't buy me a t-shirt from New Zealand (je deteste tacky souvener t-shirts) - instead he brought me a 1 litre bottle of Bombay Saphire in duty free. This makes me very happy.

But back to the point. It doesn't matter how many times I tell her, it never sinks in. I am happy with my scenario at the moment. I hate money. I know money makes the world go round, but it doesn't mean that I have to be an executive of a major company, or head of a federal paper pushing department at 21. I want to enjoy my life right now, cause she has never let me do so before.

I over analyse things way too much. And I know in her head that I'm a major dissapointment to the family. But how do I tell her enough is enough? For the sake of my sanity...