Chickens

I definately think that I am lovesick. Certain things seem to jump out at me when I'm watching TV. I am loving Dr Zhivago atm, and am especially gushy at any romantic gesture (with romantic comedies being the exception - they still make me sick). I hate it. It makes me pyne and feel lonely. I miss my boyfriend, but I am thinking particularly irrational thoughts.

Recieved news that someone I went to uni with is now a father. That freaks the shit out of me. Yet secretly deep down inside I wish it was me. And I hate having admitted that, but I'm going for honesty here. I don't think I actually want a little me or Myles running around, its more the idea of being with someone like that, so personal and intense and committed. I have that, but it has been so far away for so long. Its like my favourite book I lent to a friend and they have moved far away with it, packed in a box or on a dusty shelf.

I think that as long as I am at home with my parents and sisters I will always be jumping into the role of the mature, responsible oldest sibling who never relaxes or feels guilty when I have fun, and having to constantly be there for everyone cause I don't want to let them down. All the times I have lived without them, it was truly liberating. I loved walking to Sydney's Circular Quay at 10.30pm and just sitting, watching and listening.

So do I want independence, or do I want my own family? I think I want a compromise. I want to go far far away, but I want my dearest friend to be there by my side.

I'm thinking about seeing a psychic, just to get a little mystical guidance. I have questions I want to ask, so some reassurances about what I'm doing would be very nice, cause right now I'm getting awfully sick of the old 'its your life' routine. Its funny how parents won't do that for you when you're 16.

Someone out there, please tell me what I'm doing right! Will I move in with my boyfriend next year? Will I complete university? Will I get married, have children and grow old happy? Someone must be listening out there...