To Be Different

Why is it so hard to be different? Its not like I chose to be, its just the way I am. Being different can be very very lonely. Like I'm having dinner alone tonight. Thats if I choose to have dinner at all. Its not that I think I'm better than everyone who eats at certain establishments, it couldn't be further from the truth. I just don't like those places. I'm not a steak house person. But that is ok because no one else in my family likes 'ethnic cuisine'. I really want Japanese. I don't eat it often.

Being different means compromise. A lot. No one bends to you. For once I wish they would, just once. So they would understand, sitting in a Korean BBQ or a Teppenyaki house, how it feels like when I eat fish and chips, or Take Away, or Pub food.

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Tales from the Crypt

Ok, I know alot of my whiny blogs are about my Mother, but until she stops treating me like a child and starts letting me do things for myself this is the way it has to be.

I remember how she boasted about me being so independant because I would catch the bus to school by myself, and organise how to get to friends houses by public transport as well. I have always wanted to break out of her shadow, so to speak. Strangely enough its been so hard over the past three years, because I have been trying to define myself as an adult and find my place in the universe, but it seems that all of a sudden she doesn't want me to do that.

I wake up every morning with job links in my inbox. I hate that so very very much. To me that screams 'you are incapable of making decisions for your career, so I'm going to make them for you'. The Job thing has changed for me. Things have been sorted out. I'm actually happy (for the first time since having a job) about where I am and who I'm working with. It is very rare that I am happy with anything. But she wants me to find more jobs. She wants me to be chained to a desk for the rest of my life. She wants me to be a receptionist, and I cannot count how many times I have told her no. I cannot do desk work, I am easily distracted. I worked one week for Centrelink and nearly lost my mind. And don't get me started on 'office politics'. Its a load of bullshit and I don't want part of it. I am 19 years old and I am happy working as a barista/waitress.

I am so sick of it. The thing is if I say anything to her, its the end of the world. Now I have a car and a group of friends she will most likely kick me out. She would call me to come back of course, after a few hours, but she would guilt me into submission. She knows how I react to guilt, and she plays it up. Actually, I wonder if she knows me at all. She has little interest in anything that I actually care about. All she ever wants to talk about is how she hates her work and how hard she has it. Its always about her. She never asks how my boyfriend is, she never asks anything about my friends. She has no interest in who I actually am. Even my Dad knows me better - he didn't buy me a t-shirt from New Zealand (je deteste tacky souvener t-shirts) - instead he brought me a 1 litre bottle of Bombay Saphire in duty free. This makes me very happy.

But back to the point. It doesn't matter how many times I tell her, it never sinks in. I am happy with my scenario at the moment. I hate money. I know money makes the world go round, but it doesn't mean that I have to be an executive of a major company, or head of a federal paper pushing department at 21. I want to enjoy my life right now, cause she has never let me do so before.

I over analyse things way too much. And I know in her head that I'm a major dissapointment to the family. But how do I tell her enough is enough? For the sake of my sanity...

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Life moving along

I've been slack. Life has taken a hold lately.

I got a car. Its perfect. I love it. His name is Yuri. I've had a chinese assignment due on Friday. I posted it, then when I cleaned up my desk today I found the last page on my desk. Sent an email to the unit co-ordinator, hoping to be able to scan it or post it to them. Waiting on the reply.

Had cocktails with the girls on Friday night. Had the best time. We now have plans for my birthday, in Sydney. Have a politics assignment due in a week. Only 2000 words so I'm not freaking out about it. Had a picnic yesterday with people as well. It was fun. I definately think that I am finding myself in this group.

Mum is still emailing me job links. Ironically work is going great for me at the moment. So I'm happy where I am. They are willing to be flexible for me. Which is handy for the next two months.

Got the all clear to go to Wagga in October. Just need to work on Christmas. I have to work on both sides. Myles is still not sure what he wants to do. I'm sure after seeing me in October he will want to be with me. I hope so. I desperately want to spend Christmas with him.

Thats it for now I think, must start the Human Rights assignment...

Love xx

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Electric

I love how the fact that our electricity bill has been up for the last six months must obviously be my fault. It couldn't possibly have to do with the fact that over that same period my father has started using a laptop at home, as well as my sisters spending more time on the computer and using various appliances.

Mum told me that I had to stop using my laptop in bed. Ok, putting things into perspective, her laptop is on, all day everyday, plugged in. She never turns it off. When I use my laptop in bed, it is not plugged in, using power. My laptop, which is only plugged in for just over an hour at a time, and the TV is about all the electricity I use, as well as my phone charger.

This combined with the rising electrical prices, obviously I am spending way too much time burning my face into the green Earth. Think I'm now going to channel some of my anger and sarcasm into some uni work. Chinese assignment, here I come!

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I had to post just quickly...

I feel so lost without him. Why has it always been so hard? Why am I always trapped by family and my head?

Tell me, should I listen to my heart?

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Wishlist

I have found myself wondering over the past few days about what I want from everything. Its all a little muddled, so here I am going to spill my guts and come back later, maybe after some more chinese study, to reassemble my mind.

• I want my Chinese study to come easier to me and stick.
• I want to be more motivated to do my university study.
• I want to be more motivated in general. I am so bad at these atm. Its strange, in a period of 2 weeks I have become so completely and utterly unproductive. I don't like it, not one bit.
• I want to live with my boyfriend. It feels like we have been together forever. Every chance we get to be together is thwarted, yet despite this we are determined to make it work. We love each other that much. I'm just afraid. I need to tell my Mother that I am planning on spending Christmas with him, then moving in with him.

I am so sick of the job discussion. I am not going to apply for any more Christmas casual positions. Firstly, because I'm not 16 and not what they want. Second, I will be 20 in a month exactly and this is the one chance in my life that I get to be selfish. I don't care about working over summer. These jobs will not make careers. And I ALWAYS sacrifice time with Myles for them. Not any more. I am an adult and going to make adult decisions. So in the mean time, once I get the car next week I will be saving for Summer. It is not my problem if they cannot accept my decisions and the people in my life. And I know they won't. So, people out there here's a heads up: Might need places to crash at from the end of December cause its a given my parents will be so angry that I am not willing to give up my happiness for money they will kick me out over Christmas.

• That being said, I honestly think that the only thing that can keep me happy while I'm living at home will be money. Spending it, spending time away from the house. This will affect my university study heaps, but its a very toxic environment to live in. I have hardly ever gotten a decent amount of work done here. Fuck I can't wait till Myles gets his posting.
• I want to live alone, no I want to live with Myles. I'm imagining a place that is blue and cream and white and a lovely kitchen and stairs. And a beautiful bedroom. And a coatstand as you walk though the door. I want it to smell of spring.
• I want the air to smell of honeysuckle always.

I think thats it for now. I don't know. Everything is just so over the place. Fuck I hate the work place and every single conversation associated with work. Why can everyone else be happy and do what they want, but I can never have it? Because my parents have tricked me into thinking I'm not allowed it. I cannot wait for that car.

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Cycles

I am sick of being in a pepetual cycle of guilt. It is never ending. It goes family -> Work -> university -> family etc. Nothing is ever in balance in my life. Well not when I'm at home anyway.

There is so much unspoken things. I want to tell my family that Christmas I won't be at home and that next year Myles and I will be moving in together. But they always overreact. And it'll always be about money. If it were up to them I would never move out, but they would hold it over me and guilt me majorly. They are good like that.

Why is everything about money? To my parents money comes before happiness. Well, money can burn in hell. I hate the stuff. Having more money isn't going to bring me out of love with my boyfriend. Its funny how they haven't put my sister's boyfriend through the paces like they put mine. Its cause he's studying at university and he comes from money and property. I swear sometimes my parents a from industrial London, trying desperately to marry off their daughters into the emerging Upper-middle and aristocratic classes.

Love is love. They never tell me that they love me. For them its all tough love. I don't do tough love. They keep saying that I need to adjust to them. Five people won't change for me, I have to change for them. Well they have warped and crushed me to fit with them to the point where I don't know who I am anymore. Where does the passions of me and the passions of my mother start?

I'm not their parrot anymore. I am living my life for me now. I know this makes them extremely unhappy, mainly cause I want love, not money in my life. But so what. I'm not going to give into their games anymore. The cycle ends here.

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Cards and sunshine

I had my tarot cards read on Thursday. I needed it. She was lovely. In short:

• Myles is a very special man, we are both old souls and we will be together for a while yet.
• My family has a hold of me, pinching me on my arm. I have to sever that tie.
• There is a lot of conflict in my family, but I have to stand my ground, I also need to remember that I am not the cause of this conflict.
• All the darkness of the past few years is behind me (yay!).
• Someone who I thought I was close to but has since cut all contact with me was never my friend.
• My father wishes he was more like me.
• I am going to work in Marketing.
• I have to let go of most things, I cannot control them nor do I need to get involved so let it go.
• Me and Myles will travel, a lot.
• I will have money, and everything I want, if I let myself have it, i.e. not feel guilty about having it.
• I will have a child at 28.
• I am the Queen of Cups (unusual apparently since the Queen is rarely tied to a person) - calm, beautiful, fair and compassionate.
• Myles and I will get our chance to run off and dissapear into the sunset.
• I will do well at university.

I think there was more, but it made me feel better. It gave me the motivation that I need. And it was positive, knowing that not yuckyness or depression is ahead.

She said have a coffee and salt bath and banish the bad karma. Did that, if nothing else the caffene was amazing for my skin and the aroma was so soothing. Contemplating taking up Aromatherapy. But can't at home, Mum is sensitive to scent (i.e. anything that doesn't smell like ciggarette smoke makes her feel sick).

Cannot wait till I get my own place/place with Myles!!!

On another note, should have a car in two weeks. Also work is still shit. They have me on (what I suspect is a 3 hour shift as well [not happy!]) when I'm supposed to be doing an orchestra gig. If it weren't for the car, and stupid parents 'work is more important than anything we don't care if you don't like it/think uni work is more important' mentality I would quit so fast, also giving me more time to spend looking for another job.

Anyone in the Newcastle Area want to give me a job? See Queen of Cups for personality traits!

xx

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Chickens

I definately think that I am lovesick. Certain things seem to jump out at me when I'm watching TV. I am loving Dr Zhivago atm, and am especially gushy at any romantic gesture (with romantic comedies being the exception - they still make me sick). I hate it. It makes me pyne and feel lonely. I miss my boyfriend, but I am thinking particularly irrational thoughts.

Recieved news that someone I went to uni with is now a father. That freaks the shit out of me. Yet secretly deep down inside I wish it was me. And I hate having admitted that, but I'm going for honesty here. I don't think I actually want a little me or Myles running around, its more the idea of being with someone like that, so personal and intense and committed. I have that, but it has been so far away for so long. Its like my favourite book I lent to a friend and they have moved far away with it, packed in a box or on a dusty shelf.

I think that as long as I am at home with my parents and sisters I will always be jumping into the role of the mature, responsible oldest sibling who never relaxes or feels guilty when I have fun, and having to constantly be there for everyone cause I don't want to let them down. All the times I have lived without them, it was truly liberating. I loved walking to Sydney's Circular Quay at 10.30pm and just sitting, watching and listening.

So do I want independence, or do I want my own family? I think I want a compromise. I want to go far far away, but I want my dearest friend to be there by my side.

I'm thinking about seeing a psychic, just to get a little mystical guidance. I have questions I want to ask, so some reassurances about what I'm doing would be very nice, cause right now I'm getting awfully sick of the old 'its your life' routine. Its funny how parents won't do that for you when you're 16.

Someone out there, please tell me what I'm doing right! Will I move in with my boyfriend next year? Will I complete university? Will I get married, have children and grow old happy? Someone must be listening out there...

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Venting

And so it comes to a full circle. When everything in life seems to be working out fantastsic - I actually spent time out of the house and with friends on Friday - everything else goes to shit. Work is shit. Mother is shit. Nothing is ever in harmony.

Work is simply run by stupid people who call you up to 5 times in an hour to ask you to do a shift, at three different times of the day mind you. Why would you put 16 year old girls in charge of a busy cafe on a Saturday? Anyway I went into work.

Came home, didn't want to pick up my sister from had to get her. We had a hissy fit didn't we, and12 or so hours later we are still having a tantrum and not talking to me. No one in my family communicates. Its horrible.

Anyway I have an orchestra rehersal to look forward to this afternoon. Totally pumped for it - The Sound of Music :D

Wishing you all sane mothers! xx

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Philosophies on life

So I have to work tomorrow. Really dreading it. But I am optimistic. I will do everything spectacularly tomorrow, they will wonder why they want to get rid of me. But I will trick them, cause I am looking for another job. I need to get out of there. Its too far from home and I don't get paid enough to put up with that bullshit.

I am fabulous. I am beautiful and brilliant and amazing. They will miss me, but I will only grow more and more because I believe in myself and I know that I am going up and up and up.

And I am going to Green Day in December :D

Wishing you all Rockstar moments, xx

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Work work and work

I am becoming more and more displeased by the conduct and attitude of the people that I work with. They are just impossible. I don't want to put too much negativity into here, but basically they are giving off vibes that say to me 'once you're 20 you're out of here'. Very disheartening. I am now trying to find another job. Work is too far and I don't get paid enough to put up with their crap. I am a hard worker. They can't see that. Therefore they will learn soon enough, after I'm gone no doubt.

I would love to get back into retail again. The interaction with people are garments was much more pleasing. I'm not great with food. I'd rather be a stylist than a food critic any day. So here's hoping someone will look at my resume and like what they see. I am a hard worker, and I'm pretty :P

Thats all, xx

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ponders...

I am trying to write everyday. But it has been very very hard today. My boss is just rediculous. I think she is looking for reasons to sack me. Anyway I am going to look for another job. God willing I will be in Melbourne next year, with or without a ring. I can't really say too much, I don't know who is reading.

But anyway I am going to bed, going to watch Doctor Who and most likely dream of my beautiful beloved as a prince. I want a tutu.

Wishing you all kind managers, xx

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Something I wrote at work today...

After a conversation with my boyfriend last night and going out with friends after, it made me think - people are getting married at a much younger age. I have friends who are engaged and have a child. These people are 20, 21 tops. In most circumstances it is obviously umplanned, but I know of one case where it is planned. Is there a reason why this is happening? A lower socio-economic background? Maybe, but I don't think thats it. One case I know of a girl from a very well off family, at university, 21 married and has a brand new house built from the ground up. Is there an explanation?

Back 5 or so years ago this would have been totally shunned. Teen pregnancy was not the result of a commited relationship, and mostly the grandmother played major role in the raising the child, or at least that was my understanding. I think relationships are so much more serious and casual aquaintances are more casual. In the 88-89 generation it seems the extremes are more extreme.

From my perspective I can completely understand why this is happening. We caught the end of 'tough love' parenting and are watching our younger siblings being pampered. Life for us is a lot harder than anyone gives us credit for. Has anyone over the age of 35 tried to get a low wage, physically demanding job lately? This market, we have to compete with younger, cheaper people below us, yet we don't have the experience or skills to take on the world above. I feel so insecure about my job. We are thrust into a world of doom and gloom. Is it so horrible to want to come home at the end of the day to someone who loves you?

I am 19 and I have been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. We've been doing the long distance thing for 12 months and yet we still remained faithful (much to the displeasure of some people).

I would marry him in a heartbeat because I, like my fellows, are not children. I am an adult, and I have been since I was about 15. We are he generation who grew up too fast. But thats ok, cause we are going to save the world, we may as well start now.

Wishing you all breakfast in bed. xx

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Social Distractions

I just returned home from my first orchestra rehersal in about 3 years. It was awesome. But I am a little let down. Firstly, I am a flautist (pianist first but I don't do concertos) and the orchestra that I played for has an abundance of flutes. Therefore I was on percussion. I am the single most un-coordinated individual I know. So when I saw the part to {insert generic Aaron Copland piece here} I freaked out - cymbol hard sticks/cymbol soft sticks/cymbol brushes; snare drum/snare drum brushes; Bass drum; triangle. The amount of sticks that I had to juggle all up was 9. Safe to say they went all over the floor and down the backs of trumpeters. So it was an interesting evening. Fun, but I'm not sure how I feel about the new conductor. I felt really intimidated, I mean who doesn't bash the shit out of a big bass drum, brand new might I add.

Second, I don't like percussion. It is so far out of my comfort zone it is not funny. I will be starting rehersals for The Sound of Music, which I am playing with a friend, on flute. I am really really looking forward to it. My dilemna is this - Can I juggle the two orchestras and my uni work and work work?

I don't want to let the people from the first orchestra down, cause I know them all from years back and its a fun atmosphere, but still, can I handle it all? I haven't taken this much on in a very long time. Can I do it? Who thinks I can? Suggestions please?

Also I got a lovely phonecall from Myles before his phone was confiscated yesterday. It made my day. I love him so.

Wishing you all finely tuned piccolos and oboes :D

xx

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Distractions

I know this is going to sound crazy but I love having distractions when I am studying. They keep me focused somehow. I have spent a little time looking online a forums which I could distract myself with whilst I do some 学习汉语. I don't have messages from Myles anymore, he arrived in Wagga tonight.

I re-connected with old comfort zones since he's gone. I went on the tatyforum site again. Its not as active as what I was when I last went on there in 2006. I need someone to replace the void which is in my life now. I need a little distraction from all the study. I want a nice, friendly forum with nice people who I can relate to. I shall do a little hunting, wish me luck. Please, if anyone out there has any ideas let me know...

Wishing you all pleasant little distractions,

Natasha xx

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The Waiting Game

Semester 2 starts today. I am roaring to go. I want to commense my studies and become organised. I also want to beat my French friend in Chinese. However I cannot plan ahead and do some good ol' time management without the unit notes for my units. My International Human Rights unit is all good, put online and I emailed it to my dad to print off. I'll have that at about 6pm. Chinese on the otherhand...

This department makes you record dialogue onto a cassette tape and post it to the faculty to be marked. I thought we lived in the 21st century. Se they send out the unit handbook in the mail. It gets to first day of Term and the staff have posted on the unit forum that everyone has recieved their unit handbook so get busy and study! Everyone has posted onto the site that they have not recieved the unit handbook. Not happy. Especially I who is already 12 months behind everyone else, not having studied for that little bit of time. At least maybe I can study the stuff I'm behind in without feeling guilty.

Speaking of waiting, Myles is in Brisbane. He leaves tomorrow. Last night I watched the two episodes of Doctor Who that make me cry every time. Without fail - Doomsday and The Journey's End.

Wishing you all speedy documentation! Natasha xx

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Beginning or End?

I'm back from my trip away. It was a very teary farewell. It was the second time I have seen him cry. I never want to see him cry again. It is nice to know that he loves me that much and he'll miss me as well as I'll miss him.

We're on a break. He doesn't become incomunicado until Tuesday, so we are still messaging backwards and forth. We love each other. I think that is why it is so difficult. He told me that friends of his met when they were at a music camp, star crossed lovers it seems. They parted ways, yet met ten years later and put a deposit on a house four weeks after being re-united.

Myles and I are best friends. We always knew that if we broken up we would still remain close friends. To do the things for our careers we need to do the seperate thing for a while. This is really good for him, and I guess for me too.

But I am really going to miss him. I love him so much it hurts. I think I'm scared that he won't want me back. But all I have to have is faith, faith in him. I have the next ten weeks, and then 32 weeks to learn about myself and make improvements. I need to learn to love myself and stand alone. Then I can have him back.

I love you Myles.

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Trips

I will be away for the next week or so visiting the boyfriend I have not seen since May, he is joining the airforce. Needless to say I will not be spending much time on the internet, but I will write and update when I get home.

Diamants, Natasha

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Moleskine

I now own a Moleskine. I can really start writing now. I am off to dream up beautiful and impossible worlds...

Diamants, Natasha.

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Templates

I just spent the last few hours looking up templates for the blog. bleh. It was exhausting. I am quite dissapointed by what is out there. anyway I like this one, and thats all that matters.

Natasha

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Ponderings in the bath

Got home from work. It was a long day. Boss is an imbecile. Going to forget about her for the next two weeks :D

Had a bath whilst watching the first 20 mins of Disney's Beauty and the Beast. I love Disney so much, The little mermaid is my favourite. I want to write, which is the purpose of this blog. The paradox is I hate reading. I don't know if I still feel really burnt out from the HSC but I cannot make myself sit down and read a novel. I have no problem with my International Relations texts for my university, but I tried to read Madame Bovary the other day and it was just so hard, I found myself wandering off in my head, daydreaming.

Maybe I'm not meant to read, maybe I have so many ideas that I am meant to share them with the world. I would love if someone wrote an updated version of the Disney stories, without the strong fantasy aspect. Although I do like that. Can you imagine a mermaid trying to fit into Sydney CBD? Anyway just some thoughts. Maybe I will write a little on the train on Friday, after I've had my bottle of mini wine. I'm thinking a white with some OJ, cheap wine is never very good.

<3 Natasha

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The day

Pissed off. Not going to write another entry. Epic fail Blogger. off to have a bath and eat sweet things...

<3>

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The day

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Friends

Its been something that has been bothering me for a while now. Since I left to go away to university I have felt so excluded by my friends from high school. I was away for 18 months and I have returned home to live. I have let it slide, the parties that have been going on without me being invited. But I have had enough.

I don't think I shall bother with this group of people anymore. I don't feel like I can open up to them. I can't spend time with them or relax cause they are constantly judging me. When someone you think likes you has a massive party and you aren't invited, I think its clear where I stand.

But thats ok. They never got the whole creative thing. They never got the music thing. I have recently gotten back in touch with a group of people which I have not seen in a very very long time. They are all creative. They are all magical. They make me want to put fairy lights up all around my house :) These ladies are my real friends.

This is a special moment. From now on I am only going to exhert my energy on people who want to spend time with me. 

Must dash. Father is in another shitty mood cause he had to make an effort tonight. Home can truly be a negative place. This makes the City glow more and more for me :)

<3>

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Writing

I want to live in the city. I want to be part of that massive conglomeration of steel, stress, twenty-four hour supermarkets and excentricity that makes up the city. There is something that is so alive and free about it. I've been looking at pictures and reading stories from a blogger who I greatly aspire to be like. I want to live a life just like hers. 

From now I am going to aspire to write when I can, have a more magical existence. Make more of an effort - instead of just skimming through links and articles I am going to read the whole piece. I want to be a writer. But I don't know where to begin. One of the first books I read was Little Women. I remember the sisters asking Jo for her advice on writing. She said 'never write what you know'. Well I suppose this can work for some fiction writers with a strong sense of imagination, and that suits me to a tee, but I think if I was to write about everyday life, my life, things might play out easier.

When I write something down, for me it seems to cement it in concrete. I want this to be a scrap book of my ideas, thoughts, dreams, queries, events and meetings. Here's hoping I can keep it up :)

<3 Natasha

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