To Be Different

Why is it so hard to be different? Its not like I chose to be, its just the way I am. Being different can be very very lonely. Like I'm having dinner alone tonight. Thats if I choose to have dinner at all. Its not that I think I'm better than everyone who eats at certain establishments, it couldn't be further from the truth. I just don't like those places. I'm not a steak house person. But that is ok because no one else in my family likes 'ethnic cuisine'. I really want Japanese. I don't eat it often.

Being different means compromise. A lot. No one bends to you. For once I wish they would, just once. So they would understand, sitting in a Korean BBQ or a Teppenyaki house, how it feels like when I eat fish and chips, or Take Away, or Pub food.

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Tales from the Crypt

Ok, I know alot of my whiny blogs are about my Mother, but until she stops treating me like a child and starts letting me do things for myself this is the way it has to be.

I remember how she boasted about me being so independant because I would catch the bus to school by myself, and organise how to get to friends houses by public transport as well. I have always wanted to break out of her shadow, so to speak. Strangely enough its been so hard over the past three years, because I have been trying to define myself as an adult and find my place in the universe, but it seems that all of a sudden she doesn't want me to do that.

I wake up every morning with job links in my inbox. I hate that so very very much. To me that screams 'you are incapable of making decisions for your career, so I'm going to make them for you'. The Job thing has changed for me. Things have been sorted out. I'm actually happy (for the first time since having a job) about where I am and who I'm working with. It is very rare that I am happy with anything. But she wants me to find more jobs. She wants me to be chained to a desk for the rest of my life. She wants me to be a receptionist, and I cannot count how many times I have told her no. I cannot do desk work, I am easily distracted. I worked one week for Centrelink and nearly lost my mind. And don't get me started on 'office politics'. Its a load of bullshit and I don't want part of it. I am 19 years old and I am happy working as a barista/waitress.

I am so sick of it. The thing is if I say anything to her, its the end of the world. Now I have a car and a group of friends she will most likely kick me out. She would call me to come back of course, after a few hours, but she would guilt me into submission. She knows how I react to guilt, and she plays it up. Actually, I wonder if she knows me at all. She has little interest in anything that I actually care about. All she ever wants to talk about is how she hates her work and how hard she has it. Its always about her. She never asks how my boyfriend is, she never asks anything about my friends. She has no interest in who I actually am. Even my Dad knows me better - he didn't buy me a t-shirt from New Zealand (je deteste tacky souvener t-shirts) - instead he brought me a 1 litre bottle of Bombay Saphire in duty free. This makes me very happy.

But back to the point. It doesn't matter how many times I tell her, it never sinks in. I am happy with my scenario at the moment. I hate money. I know money makes the world go round, but it doesn't mean that I have to be an executive of a major company, or head of a federal paper pushing department at 21. I want to enjoy my life right now, cause she has never let me do so before.

I over analyse things way too much. And I know in her head that I'm a major dissapointment to the family. But how do I tell her enough is enough? For the sake of my sanity...

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Life moving along

I've been slack. Life has taken a hold lately.

I got a car. Its perfect. I love it. His name is Yuri. I've had a chinese assignment due on Friday. I posted it, then when I cleaned up my desk today I found the last page on my desk. Sent an email to the unit co-ordinator, hoping to be able to scan it or post it to them. Waiting on the reply.

Had cocktails with the girls on Friday night. Had the best time. We now have plans for my birthday, in Sydney. Have a politics assignment due in a week. Only 2000 words so I'm not freaking out about it. Had a picnic yesterday with people as well. It was fun. I definately think that I am finding myself in this group.

Mum is still emailing me job links. Ironically work is going great for me at the moment. So I'm happy where I am. They are willing to be flexible for me. Which is handy for the next two months.

Got the all clear to go to Wagga in October. Just need to work on Christmas. I have to work on both sides. Myles is still not sure what he wants to do. I'm sure after seeing me in October he will want to be with me. I hope so. I desperately want to spend Christmas with him.

Thats it for now I think, must start the Human Rights assignment...

Love xx

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Electric

I love how the fact that our electricity bill has been up for the last six months must obviously be my fault. It couldn't possibly have to do with the fact that over that same period my father has started using a laptop at home, as well as my sisters spending more time on the computer and using various appliances.

Mum told me that I had to stop using my laptop in bed. Ok, putting things into perspective, her laptop is on, all day everyday, plugged in. She never turns it off. When I use my laptop in bed, it is not plugged in, using power. My laptop, which is only plugged in for just over an hour at a time, and the TV is about all the electricity I use, as well as my phone charger.

This combined with the rising electrical prices, obviously I am spending way too much time burning my face into the green Earth. Think I'm now going to channel some of my anger and sarcasm into some uni work. Chinese assignment, here I come!

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I had to post just quickly...

I feel so lost without him. Why has it always been so hard? Why am I always trapped by family and my head?

Tell me, should I listen to my heart?

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Wishlist

I have found myself wondering over the past few days about what I want from everything. Its all a little muddled, so here I am going to spill my guts and come back later, maybe after some more chinese study, to reassemble my mind.

• I want my Chinese study to come easier to me and stick.
• I want to be more motivated to do my university study.
• I want to be more motivated in general. I am so bad at these atm. Its strange, in a period of 2 weeks I have become so completely and utterly unproductive. I don't like it, not one bit.
• I want to live with my boyfriend. It feels like we have been together forever. Every chance we get to be together is thwarted, yet despite this we are determined to make it work. We love each other that much. I'm just afraid. I need to tell my Mother that I am planning on spending Christmas with him, then moving in with him.

I am so sick of the job discussion. I am not going to apply for any more Christmas casual positions. Firstly, because I'm not 16 and not what they want. Second, I will be 20 in a month exactly and this is the one chance in my life that I get to be selfish. I don't care about working over summer. These jobs will not make careers. And I ALWAYS sacrifice time with Myles for them. Not any more. I am an adult and going to make adult decisions. So in the mean time, once I get the car next week I will be saving for Summer. It is not my problem if they cannot accept my decisions and the people in my life. And I know they won't. So, people out there here's a heads up: Might need places to crash at from the end of December cause its a given my parents will be so angry that I am not willing to give up my happiness for money they will kick me out over Christmas.

• That being said, I honestly think that the only thing that can keep me happy while I'm living at home will be money. Spending it, spending time away from the house. This will affect my university study heaps, but its a very toxic environment to live in. I have hardly ever gotten a decent amount of work done here. Fuck I can't wait till Myles gets his posting.
• I want to live alone, no I want to live with Myles. I'm imagining a place that is blue and cream and white and a lovely kitchen and stairs. And a beautiful bedroom. And a coatstand as you walk though the door. I want it to smell of spring.
• I want the air to smell of honeysuckle always.

I think thats it for now. I don't know. Everything is just so over the place. Fuck I hate the work place and every single conversation associated with work. Why can everyone else be happy and do what they want, but I can never have it? Because my parents have tricked me into thinking I'm not allowed it. I cannot wait for that car.

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Cycles

I am sick of being in a pepetual cycle of guilt. It is never ending. It goes family -> Work -> university -> family etc. Nothing is ever in balance in my life. Well not when I'm at home anyway.

There is so much unspoken things. I want to tell my family that Christmas I won't be at home and that next year Myles and I will be moving in together. But they always overreact. And it'll always be about money. If it were up to them I would never move out, but they would hold it over me and guilt me majorly. They are good like that.

Why is everything about money? To my parents money comes before happiness. Well, money can burn in hell. I hate the stuff. Having more money isn't going to bring me out of love with my boyfriend. Its funny how they haven't put my sister's boyfriend through the paces like they put mine. Its cause he's studying at university and he comes from money and property. I swear sometimes my parents a from industrial London, trying desperately to marry off their daughters into the emerging Upper-middle and aristocratic classes.

Love is love. They never tell me that they love me. For them its all tough love. I don't do tough love. They keep saying that I need to adjust to them. Five people won't change for me, I have to change for them. Well they have warped and crushed me to fit with them to the point where I don't know who I am anymore. Where does the passions of me and the passions of my mother start?

I'm not their parrot anymore. I am living my life for me now. I know this makes them extremely unhappy, mainly cause I want love, not money in my life. But so what. I'm not going to give into their games anymore. The cycle ends here.

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